Anger


Anger is a feeling that is very commonly present in a survivor's healing process.  It is a valid, normal and GOOD emotion that some of us may not know what to do with but that can also be a powerful source of strength and of energy that can support us in our recovery efforts. Feeling anger about violence that happened to us is a very powerful experience that can heal us very much... because feeling anger and outrage at violence means that somewhere inside us, we believe that what happened was wrong, a wrong done to us... something that we didn't deserve.
 


What is anger

Anger is one of the basic human emotions, shared by every single other human cultures across the world.  Although anger is sometimes qualified of being a "negative" emotion, it is neither positive nor negative... it simply is a source of information about what is happening to us, information that tells us that something is happening that is unfair or harmful or against our deepest beliefs.  Being angry about what happened to us is not only perfectly ok and normal, it is beneficial and can be very healing.
 
 

The difference between anger and violence

Anger is an emotion.  You don't have control over an emotion or  its intensity. An emotion comes up, no matter what, as a signal about what is going on in our environment be it inside ourselves or out. Therefore, every emotion is inherently "ok" and always appropriate.

Violence is a behavior. A behavior is a chosen means to express an emotion. A violent behavior is a behavior that means to exercise power over someone else. Every emotion, including anger, can be expressed in a variety of ways, some being violent and some being non-violent.

Being angry doesn't mean being violent.

Angry... but at who?

I know a lot of us, when we feel angry during recovery, are suddenly scared of being "just like the abuser".  I think that that is one of the main reasons why some of us have such a hard time with anger and why it is often redirected towards our own selves rather than outside of ourselves.  It can be pretty scary, when someone has used violence against you, to feel that anger rise inside and feel that energy suggest violent ways of expressing yourself.  We get scared of all that "transmission of violence" and thus may turn the anger towards ourselves as a punishment or as a way to get it out but not on others.  We tend to see that feeling as a bad feeling that needs to be smothered, ignored or turned against ourselves.
 



 

To let it out or not to let it out, that is the question

The expression of emotions is an important part of healing. As such, the expression of anger can be a vital part of finding your path back to yourself. Expressing anger in safe ways can take many forms : throwing rocks in a lake, screaming, punching pillows or a punching bag, talking about why you are angry and venting are all healthy ways to express anger.

Releasing anger through expression can be emotionally draining or even scary. Alternating periods of anger expression with relaxation and "take care" moments can make the process easier on you. If relaxation is not easy for you, we suggest that you visit our relaxation page  that contains a few relaxation exercises  that may help.

Never forget that you are the expert about yourself, you already know how to calm and soothe yourself.  Explore what you know, try to write down what are the things that help you in times of stress.  Then, when you are in a stress or anger time and you don't know what to do, you will have your own words to comfort yourself.
 


Links

20 things to do with your anger
Forgiveness and Anger An excert from The Courage to Heal Workbook
 

Suggested reading


The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook
Martha Davis, Matthew, Ph.D. McKay, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman
$13.57 at amazon.com