beinglesbian.html

The realization that you might be a lesbian may be new, or you may have always known. This is a page about what it means to be a lesbian, from a lesbian's point of view.

Sexual orientation has to do with what gender you have feelings of attraction or affection towards. Homosexuality (from the Greek homo = same and the Latin sexus = sex) means that a person has these attractions and feelings towards a person of the same sex. The realization of our attraction towards one (homosexuality if it's the same sex and heterosexuality if it's the other sex) or both sexes (bisexuality), can occur at any time in our lives. Also, it is very common to be confused about these questions as it's rarely all black or all white. It is very hard to figure out what feelings are truly ours and what feelings come from the demands of society. Some of us realize that we are lesbians very early in life, for others that realization may take many years of personal experience.

Awakening to sexuality is hard for everybody, heterosexuals or homosexuals alike. When those feelings you discover in yourself are for the same sex, it may pose a few extra challenges because it doesn't "fit" with what we thought would be and because it may scare you because of what we know of homosexuality, which is usually biased and based on stereotypes. So one of the first things to do when you discover that you might be a lesbian is to go out there and find information. Information on what it means to be a lesbian, on what it involves.

Then comes the "getting-used-to-it" phase. Just like any change in your life, discovering your homosexuality will be frightening at first and will demand adaptation. For example, if you wear glasses you know that when you first got them, you had to get used to them before you felt comfortable with them. Getting glasses changed the way you see yourself, scared you of what others may think, hurt your nose and made the other side of the street more then a blurry concept... basically it changed your self concept as well as the way you saw the world. It's the same thing when you discover that you might be a lesbian. It takes some time to be comfortable with this new concept. Being a lesbian is just a part of you, it doesn't change you in any way. It's sort of like discovering something new about you that was there all along. It's just a little part of you, it doesnt change your personality, your aspirations in life, your potentials or your professional aspirations. We have many sides to us, being a lesbian is just one of them.

The negative messages we perceive from the outside world about homosexuality can be daunting and hurtful. They can seem like a wall that cannot be climbed. It is clear, being gay in this society is still a struggle. Becoming comfortable with yourself and your sexual orientation is the best way to confront this struggle. Your acceptance of yourself is your most powerful tool in dealing with the obstacles which may be put in your way. Always remember that very often we put the obstacles there ourselves. We are our most severe critics.

Learning to love and respect yourself, even those parts that are not accepted by some in the outside world (because it's not everybody), is the key to overcoming obstacles. Always remember this: how can you expect others to accept you as you are if you can't do it yourself....

If you are comfortable with yourself it will make the journey into self acceptance that much easier. In a very real way, we are slowly but surely changing society and its rule. Our own accepting of ourselves is a first step towards the acceptance of society.

Also, it can be very beneficial to socialize with others who are going through a similar process as THERE IS STRENGHT IN NUMBERS.

Telling others about your journey out is not mandatory or necessary to your being happy with your sexual orientation. The golden rule here is WAIT TILL YOU FEEL READY. What is helpful in the beginning is to ensure that you have as many positive experiences as possible.

There are many ways to tell people around you, depending on who it is and on their mind set. There are as many possible reactions as there are people to tell so it's hard to predict. Here are a few pointers you may want to consider before coming out to someone :

-Be ready to be asked questions about homosexuality, prepare what you can answer to questions such as "Are you sure?", "How can you know, you've never been with a guy?", "Don't you think it's wrong somehow?". Humor is often a good way to deflect those questions. For example, if someone asks you "Are you sure?", ask them, "How about you, are you sure you're hetero?"

-Have support ready in case of a bad reaction, have people you can debrief with or vent with.

-Plan your timing. Make sure the person you want to come out to is not in any personal crisis or in times of stress. You may also want to reconsider coming out to someone during the holidays, most people are stressed at that time.

-If you think it may help, prepare the ground for your coming out. Maybe say something like "I have something to tell you but I am not sure how or when I will" or " I have something to tell you that is very important to me". A lot of people "drop hints" before really coming out, that way you can verify the person's beliefs and thus know more about their possible reaction.

Also, there is a great organization called PFLAG, (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) that can help you with coming out issues and support.

This page was written with the help of a good book which I recommend if you have more questions. Its called "The Journey Out" and was written by Rachel Pollack and Cheryl Schwartz and is published by the Penguin Group (1995)