What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence (DV) is a
pattern
of violent behaviors (either psychological, sexual, physical or
economic)
that takes place within a couple in which the power is not distributed
equally. Basically, one partner wants more power over the other
and
uses violence to assert, gain and keep that power over his or her
partner.
That power difference is built over time, through incidents of violence
that may seem innocuous at first but which gradually grow in frequency
and in force and gradually greatly undermines a person's
feeling of self worth and self esteem, as well as her physical and
psychological health.
Violent
behaviors are CHOSEN behaviors by a partner who wishes to gain power
over the other. Therefore, conjugal violence IS
NOT a loss or lack of control on the part
of the abuser, on the contrary it is
TAKING control.
There is almost always a gradation in domestic violence. The violent behaviors start slowly and on the low end of the "gravity continuum". A comment, an insult once in a while, weird looks etc. Gradually, as the power shifts more and more, the behaviors become less moderate and more frequent. Very often, by the time the first physically violent behavior happens, the person has already been caught in DV for many years. The person may feel as though this "is a first time" but often if you talk with them you find a long string of psychologically violent situations that have slowly destructed her self confidence. What this means is that it is almost impossible to see that a relation is violent when the violence begins. The first assertions of control can even easily be mistaken for manifestations of love or of care. For example, the first manifestations of jealousy can be mistaken for love, so can the first demands regarding not spending time separately. This is the trap of domestic violence. By the time the behaviors become more obvious, the victim is already caught in the web.
Violence within an intimate relationship is a serious and sad situation. The women (because most victims are women), gradually lose self worth and feel as though the situation is their fault. The fact is, they are in great confusion because often, the perpetrator does explain why the situation happened and it is always turned back to something the woman did... or didn't do. It is that pattern of guilt and confusion that keeps the person immobilized in the situation. The confusion is only heightened by the fact that the person who is hurting them is also the person whom they love and who they are committed to.
Conjugal violence results
in severe consequences
for the person who is victimized. From lack of self
esteem to PTSD, isolation from friends and family, wounds, physical illness related to stress, the consequences
have effects in all aspects of a person's life. It also has effects on
the children, their health and self image and also on the mother-child
bond.
Facts about Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence is Widespread
In
1992, 7 percent of American women (3.9 million) who were married or
living
with someone as a couple were physically abused; 37 percent (20.7
million)
were verbally or emotionally abused by their partner or spouse.
(The Commonwealth Fund, "First Comprehensive National Survey of American Women Finds Them at Significant Risk," New York: July 14, 1993)
Each
year women experience over 572,000 violent victimizations committed by
an intimate.
(Bureau of Justice Statistics, Violence Between Intimates: Domestic Violence, November 1994)
Nearly
60 percent of victims suffered injuries at the hands of violent
spouses,
ex-spouses, and boyfriends. In contrast, victims of attacks by
strangers
were injured in just under 25 percent of cases.
(Bureau of Justice Statistics, Female Victims of Violent Crime, 1991, Carole Wolf Harlow, Ph.D., BJS Statistician)
Thirty
percent of American women report that they have been physically abused
by their husband or boyfriend at one time or another.
(Lieberman Research, Inc. "Domestic Violence Advertising Campaign Tracking Survey: Wave III," November 1995. Prepared for: The Advertising Council and Family Violence Prevention Fund.)
DV and Marital Rape
Approximately
1,155,600 adult American women have been victims of one or more
forcible
rapes by their husbands.
(Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center, Medical University of South Carolina. "The National Women's Study," Charleston, SC, 1992)
Spousal
rape is often more violent and repetitive than other rape and it is
less
commonly reported.
(H.L. Hampton, New England Journal of Medicine, 4, pp. 234-237. "Care of the Woman who has been Raped," 1995)
DV and Pregnancy
Women
abused during pregnancy are at greater risk for medical complications
of
pregnancy, delivery of lower-birth weight infants, and homicide.
(Parker, McFarlane, & Soeken, 1994)
One
in six pregnant women reported physical or sexual abuse during
pregnancy.
Sixty percent of these women said the abuse was recurrent.
(McFarlane, Parker, Soeken, & Bullock, Results from a study of 1,204 women in public prenatal clinics in Houston and Baltimore, 1992)
Non-physical violence
We all know what physical
violence is, we all know that a punch or a kick or a bite is
violence. Physical violence is recognized by society and
therefore can be prosecuted by law. Physical violence is easy to
determine, it is relatively easy to look at a situation and say "yes
that was violent" or "no that wasn't violent" if we only take physical
violence into account.
But every victim of violence knows that physical violence is only the top of the iceberg. Research shows that non-physical violence has the same consequences on individuals as physical violence. But how do you identify manifestations of violence that may not be as "clean cut"? What about words and looks and threats? How can you tell if something is violent or not when even the laws don't recognize them ?
Here are a few examples of
psychological,
emotional, economic and indirect physical violence. Remember that
these kinds of violent behaviors can have the same consequences as the
more obvious physical violent manifestations... sometimes even more.
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: Control is built slowly, over a long period of time. In the beginning, controlling behaviors will be about little issues, little things about daily life. They will try to use power to influence daily decisions such as what to eat, when to eat, where to go out, what to buy, what to do, who to see, etc. They may justify their demands by safety concerns for the victim and if they don't "submit" to their demands, they may use other violence such as discrediting or ridiculing her decisions and opinions in order to win more power and get their way. If their "decisions" are not respected, they will have a "reason" to get angry and justify even more demands. As this type of behavior intensifies, the abuser may impose his influence beyond the sphere of "couple" decisions and into the personal sphere of the victim, making demands about physical appearance, personal activities, friendships, personal financial decisions, etc. This can culminate into situations where the partner has almost complete control over every aspect of the other's life.
ISOLATION: In order to gain more power over the victim, the violent partner tries to cut her off from all her personal social resources. They will discredit friends and family or even make ultimatums "it's them or me".
USE OF FORCE IN SEX: Violent partners may
show little concern about whether you want to have sex or not, and use
sulking, ridicule
or anger to manipulate you into having an intimate relationship when
you don't wish to do so. They may start having sex with you while you
are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may
want to "make up" by having
sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you. Violent partners may also demand to
act out fantasies or engage in activities that are not acceptable to
you and then impose those activities through violence.
VERBAL ABUSE: Violent partners often use words as swords, in order
to hurt, humiliate, degrade, belittle or control. Words sometimes have
an obvious negative meaning but sometimes, even terms of endearment can
be changed into an axe or a threat, with a simple change in the tone of
voice.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE:
Threats is a form of verbal abuse. It includes threats of physical
force or of other types of consequences if a victim doesn't comply with
demands. : "I'll
slap your mouth off" , "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck", "I'll
tell the world how you really are"...
RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers may expect the partner to play the "female" role; to serve them, and they may insist that victims obey them in all things.
DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many victims feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.
BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS:
This behavior which is also called "indirect physical violence" is
often used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), or to
terrorize a victim into submission. The abuser may beat on
the table with their fist or throw objects on the walls. Very often,
violent partners will also destroy beloved possessions such as paintings
or photos.
Things you can do if you are in a violent situation
One thing you can do when you are in a conjugal violence situation is making a safety plan for yourself and your children. A safety plan is planning all possible ways you could keep yourself safe in the event of violence. This can mean many things and may be different for every person. Try to think of things you can do or say... or things NOT to do or say in the event of violence. Always remember that the abuser is choosing his or her behaviors and there isn't anything you can do to stop the behaviors from occurring. It is not your fault, it is the violent partner's choice. What you can do is plan on how to keep yourself as safe as possible in the situation and take care of you as best as possible.
It may be very useful to know your local resources ahead of time, in case you need them in the future. Call the national domestic hotline and they will direct you to a shelter near you, where you will be able to talk to a counselor about your options. These counselors are specialists and should help you prepare your safety plan and they can also offer you a safe place to hide with your children if you need it.
One other thing that may
help
is seeking support and finding information on DV, as much as
possible.
This may help you feel that what is happening is not your fault and
also help diffuse some
of the confusion you may be feeling. Seek support for
yourself.
Please don't stay alone with your pain. You are definitely NOT
the
only one who is suffering through this and there IS help out there.
Phone and Regional Resources
National
Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
States
Coalitions & National Agencies
Useful Links
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
A "fill in the blanks" template to help you build your Safety Plan
Book Suggestions
What to Do When Love Turns Violent:
A
Practical Resource for Women in Abusive Relationships
by Marian Betancourt
Surviving Domestic Violence:
Voices of Women Who Broke Free
by Elaine Weiss, Michael Magill
$17.95
