Recently my T. taught me something new- I was in a very good mood that day- and I just didn't want to work on "stuff" and destroy my mood- and she told me- that this is the *best* mood to do it!!! It never occured to me. She explained that only when I am really happy I *defend* my happyness and I am really strong and can face this stuff without going under---we made a contract that she would stop me when she felt that I got in too deep--- and so we spoke about it--- and I didn't go under; I just did it and then stopped and went away and was fine. That was a completely new experience to me. But it is logical cause when you are depressed you are not very strong-- and you need strengh to confront stuff.

There's this exercise I just found in Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" that I found quite refreshing/healing that you might want to try. It is, of course, aimed at people who were emotiolly or sexually abused as kids, but I'm sure you can adapt it for your purposes.

Okay, it goes like this:
To help you give up responsibility to the things that happened to you (as a kid or adult), take some time out for you. Find a picture of you as a child or a younger adult if it's hard for you to imagine yourself before your inner eye.

Then tell the kid (your younger you) out loud that she isn't responsible for what happened to her. Here's the list that Susan Forward has in her book (translated backwards from German, so bear with me). Pick those that fit, and if you have more, add them at the bottom.

Tell your little girl: "You're not responsible that...
- they neglected or ignored you
- they gave you the feeling to be unloved or unlovable
- they cruelly or unthinkingly teased you
- they called you names
- they were unhappy
- they had problems
- they decided not to do anything about those problems
- they drank
- for what they did when they drank
- they smacked you around
- abused you sexually.

When you're through the list, and your additions, start again at the top, but with a new prefix: "My parents / abuser / ex / whatever fits is responsible for...". Just to put the responsibility where it belongs, and that's not the survivors. It's wonderfully validating and affirming exercise, real simple, hard to do in the beginning, and very effective. Use as often as needed.

This is a method to find out what we really want. Usually I tend to compromise even my wishes and dreams- it is so impossible for me to believe that I could get it that I just don't ask for it. My t. always asks me:

1. What would you want? In a perfect world where you could make it happen?
Well---- and that's a completely different thing!!! I am always suprised how positively I know what I want but never told myself---

2. Imagine: I imagine myself in that perfect situation- and then I "look back" and try to see how I "got there"- (I play with time). You can imagine time like going back a road, or like a film rewinding. It's amazing that I get ideas how I "achieved" my aim. Of course you can't make anything happen but still you get some good ideas...

Here are two methods to distance yourself from stuff. One really big problem when dealing with trauma is that you get overwhelmed by memories, thoughts etc. sometimes. It is very important to learn how to control that more, because we all need breaks sometimes. And the constant confrontation with trauma can become traumatizing in itself- re-traumatizing.

I learned these methods from my t. and used them with her. I have no experience how they work when you are alone, but perhaps it is possible to adapt them.

I started therapy because I was completely flooded with memories, thoughts etc. There was one memory that was very much going through my head night and day but I was unable to talk about it or stop it. My t. told me to write it down like a short unemotional note. Like a newpaper report with headline and everything. Important: She told me to write it down in the 3. person singular and to call myself something like x. Like: x did this and that etc. I had to work on it until it was very short, perhaps 5-10 sentences, only with the important facts. Anything was allowed to get even more emotional distance. I read the report to my t. Then I folded it up and stored it in a safe locker in her room. That meant that this stuff was to stay there (not with me) until I was stable enough to deal with it. (That might be months or even years).
This might work best in therapy because someone listens to you and you can leave the report there. But perhaps you could hide the report at a different safe place (not your home).

Imagine that you have a safe where you can put stuff in until you take it out again. What size, form, material would this safe need to have? Do you need more than one for all your stuff?
The safe is not for getting rid of stuff. You only put things there until you feel strong enough and have enough help to take them out and look at them (that might take years, and that's ok).
This worked quite well with me.
This one can be done alone easily.

To balance all the painful stuff in our lifes it is very important to focus more on positive things. One thing I do is that I use the last 10 minutes of every therapy session to speak about what good things happened during the last week. *10 whole minutes*- *every session*!!! It is astonishing that I find good stuff every time- I surprise myself. This helps against triggering too.